I am happy to report that I am adding a word back into my vocabulary. It snuck out for a while, but it somehow found it's way back home in my heart.
Hope.
When it comes to having a baby, I have tried not to be too hopeful. The greater the hope, the greater potential I have for let down. The last time I allowed hope to run wild in my heart was in November, when Clay and I had an IUI. I just knew I was pregnant. I swore I felt morning sickness and craved pickles, but apparently, I just like pickles and happen to be a grump before 9:00 AM because the test came back negative.
Since then, I have been somewhat guarded.
So last week, I had surgery to check for endometriosis. And guess what? I had it! Praise the Lord! I have never been more excited to hear that something was wrong with me. It was almost as exciting as hearing that my teeth were messed up enough for the orthodontist to recommend braces.
I told my dear friend Carolyn last night that I feel hopeful again. But after I hung up the phone, I wanted to retract my statement. Should I feel hopeful ONLY because the doctor found endometriosis? If that is the case, where am I placing all of my trust? In the hands of doctors? Of mere human beings? They are not the source of my optimism.
Psalm 20:7 reads, "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." If I get pregant soon, it is because God has ordained this time for it - not because I finally realized that the reason I have horrible cramps is because I have had endometriosis. And if we don't get pregnant immediately, I will not lose hope. Because God hasn't snuck out the back door of my heart. He is always there.
So I always have Hope.
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