Sunday, October 18, 2009

11 Cures for Fan Depression

It's official. Auburn stinks this year. Clay's nonstop pouting is a sure sign that all hope is lost. If your husband is a true fan of any sports team, you know what it's like to fall victim to a bad season.

When the rankings come out at the beginning of the year, do you anxiously check to see what kind of man you will be living with for the following months? When commentators predict wins and losses, does that translates to happiness or sadness in the home? If yes, I feel your pain, sister.

I ate three bowls of ice cream when Alabama hired Nick Saban. I knew it meant Auburn would lose recruits, lose status, and ulitmately lose games. When Gene Chizik was named as the Tigers' new coach, I drowned my sorrows in Mayfield Moose Tracks.

After five pounds on the hips, I have decided to take action. There is no reason why I should have to surrender this lovely Fall season to self pity as we Auburn loses the majority of their remaining games.

I have a plan.

I have created a fail-proof scheme to protect our home from FAN DEPRESSION.

1. Distraction - Although it only lasts a few minutes and must be used sparingly, distraction with food and beverage works in the short-term. Keep his favorite snacks hidden so that after a loss, you are armed with a surprise. Lure him away from the television with the promise of homemade cookies, and you might have a chance at a decent evening. Be careful though. If you use this too often, it can backfire. Think: Pavlov's dogs. His whining cannot be reinforced with tasty treats.

2. Cliches - Cliches become cliche for a reason. They work. Memorize the following lines:
"It's a rebuilding year."

"Ya can't win 'em all."

"Win some, lose some."

"At least we have our health."

3. Hope - Depressed fans are likely to hold onto any glimmer of hope. A ridiculous statement like, "With the right recruits, Auburn could win the national championship in three years,"might do the trick.

4. Expert Testimony - Scan blogs and local newspapers for someone who predicts your husband's team will upset a big rival. "Kirk Herbstreet said Auburn is the one team that could take down Alabama." Make sure it's a game at the end of the year so he can cling to this expert testimony throughout the entire season. And don't make it up. He will find out.

5. Miserable Company - Misery loves company, so find a team that is doing as bad or worse than your husband's. Point out their losses, especially when it makes your team look better.
Example: "Can you believe Georgia lost to Tennessee? I feel sorry for the Dawgs fans this year."

6. New Team - Deep down, your man wants to be a fan. Something is missing in his life when he can't cheer for someone wholeheartedly. Divert his passion to another team that actually has a chance. Even though this team can never truly take the place of his beloved squad, it helps.
Say, "If Auburn can't win, I am going to pull for Florida. Tim Tebow is a stand up guy. Have you seen the article about his mission trips in Sports Illustrated?"

7. One Player - It's likely that at least ONE PLAYER on your husband's sorry team shows promise. Focus on that player. Take note if he makes a great play or improves from week to week. This can be a focal point during the blow-outs.

8. Scapegoat - Milli Vanilli was right. You can blame it on the rain... Cause the rain don't mind. In fact, any weather change can serve as a scapegoat for a loss - snow, heat, wind, even astroturf.

9. Bet - By playing the devil's advocate, your sweetie can feel like he has actually won, even when his team loses. Make a ridiculous bet and make sure he wins. For example, "I bet Kentucky will beat Auburn by 30 points." When he takes the bet and wins a massage, he will not feel like such a loser when Auburn only loses by 7 points.

10. Postive Reinforcement - Anytime your spouse talks about something other than his losing team, feed him.

11. Dancing with the Stars - When all else fails, flip the channel to Dancing with the Stars and forget about football.